The way I have lived so far can be best described as “the path of least resistance.” I had an enlightenment of this—an epiphany, if you will—while browsing through the college library’s selection of periodicals. The aisles of shelves showcased many; some were magazines, many of them of popular variety (although, as I think of it, I cannot find any gossipy stuff like People), while others were scholarly journals that looked more at home in its surrounding environment, as this is, after all, a college library, although of community kind. Some of them tried to blur the boundaries of the two, or at least perceived so, such as Journal of Popular Culture. Perhaps I should look into it.
What caught my eye in the middle of browsing, though, was a journal from another college—the university that I go to: Five Points. Named after a probably historic but overall insignificant area in downtown where modernized business area meets the downtrodden slums, it is one of the two literary publications by the English department. Needless to say, I pay no heed to it, considering it inferior to other journals that have better name recognitions and, arguably, better content.
Unlike normal times in which I would just pass by without a second thought, I picked it up. It did not appear to be read much, especially in comparison to more popular magazines like Road and Track. Nonetheless, it made me think: could I be good enough writer to have a presence in a journal like this?
By no means am I a good writer, even though I appear to be a decent one compared to my peers; it is probably to compensate for my communication skills from hell. Or it could be just that I have been hanging around those who simply look terrible on paper, of which their resumé would be ridden with typos and wrong formats. Perhaps if I went to a better university with people that dazzled me with brilliance (and I mean intellectually, not with terrible glitters and fake tans), things would have been different, and I would have been more eager to catch up with my peers. And this is when I wonder with the what-if scenarios.
And that thought, in turn, reminded me of the YouTube video of a late professor’s last lecture. Called “How to achieve your childhood’s dream,” among the things he said was that the “brick wall”—figurative term for obstacles that are in the way for achieving such goals—exists to keep those who do not want something badly enough out of it. While this, the Five Points, was nothing really, I found myself wondering, is this it, did I not want to be a writer badly enough? From the look of my actions, I did not. In fact, I did not want anything badly enough.
Now, summer comes, after the spring semester that was not 100 percent successful but still satisfactory enough. Do I know yet what I want? Perhaps I have been simply looking at what I wanted all along, which stifled me… I was only looking at the past to get a glimpse of what I am inclined toward. Sadly, it does little in helping me decide; I only did things in ways that they were “good enough,” which may explain my slips and falls and wondering where I have gone wrong, when in fact it is not where, but how, I have gone wrong… and that is by inaction, lack of motivation, and generally wanting no more than taking an easy way out, going out in comfort while taking small risks that do not matter and will not help me get ahead yet give me illusion that I am doing something with my life, only to throw those away when things start going wrong, seemingly impossible to overcome.
Perhaps there is a lesson to be learned here, or at least a question to be answered. And here is the million dollar question (which can actually be literal, given time and thinking of jobs that were not but are out of reach):
What do I want badly enough to jump over the perceived brick wall and get it?
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