Freeing from shackles

Many strange things are going around in my head.  I find it hard to concentrate; it has been a rough week or two, with harder projects and homework showing up one by one, with the hardest yet to come in a week or two.  It is all right, everything will be fine, that is what I tell myself, I have had harder times, it is much better than waiting like a swine in a pen, waiting to be slaughtered any day now when you know that  everything has been decided and it is simply a matter of when you will see yourself failing like you did a year ago.

I hate to admit it, but I did come a long way from where I was a year ago.  This hellhole, this aftermath of courses that left my GPA in shambles and the turmoil that gained me a girlfriend but betrayed the trust of family… how is it better?  It is hard to explain, but I will try to.

Until the end of the spring semester a year ago, I was basically shackled to my major.  By then, my GPA has already been sagging; there was no need for me to go for dental or pharmacy school, even though I knew that I would not like going to either to begin with.  That is the funny thing with your mind—even though you know things are not going to work out, even though this is not what you want to do… you go ahead and do it anyway, hoping that everything will work out as you would hope—or rather, everything will work out somehow as you progress through the ranks, or at least the course requirements.  Yes, I am still a biology major, if in name only; what does it make me, with physiology concentration (I should at least have change my concentration; I cannot stand looking at pictures of human body), then?  It truly was a pointless thing to have.  Neurobiology or even microbiology could have worked out better.  And working has had its merits, too… if only for being more comfortable with strangers during the job.  I probably will never have another sandwich wraps after I stop working at where I am working now, but the boss is nice (or I probably would have been fired by now) and I am earning some money—at least enough to get me through the days.

But is that all?  I am afraid so.  Some street smarts and social skills will not get you anywhere, especially when you have learned only a bit of them via working behind the counter.  It is obviously beyond my comfort zone, but what can you do?

At least I am out of the major.

Currently I am looking to get some part-time work or internship.  With my faltering GPA and limited knowledge and social links, it will be hard… but this is a grave that I have dug, so I must find a way out.

I also have a post about the childhood coming.  I am assuming that it should help me find out just why or how I turned out like this.